Random Insomiac thoughts

I often have a hard time sleeping in new places. This is super annoying, I have the hardest time giving in to my bodies need for rest. I though am who I am now in this moment, so I give thanks. In the last 51/2 years I have been in university, in those years if I have learned anything, it is that all things change, evolve, nothing stays the same, we move, grow, mature. Yesterday I realized the paradox that we are living and dying at the same time! This really makes me want to put things in better perspective.
    I waste so much breath and energy on insigificant crap. I worry about stuff that is trivial, I obsess about things that are miniscule. I wish all I thought, said, and did were only the most thoughtful and meaningful.Yet I still fall victim to self obsession, worried only about my goodwill. In my sleep deprivated state I write unclearly yet I dont care because my journal is far away. Sometimes I wish I could tell the world to shut the f%*k up, stop talking, stop making noise, listen, listen, quiet, listen. I get quite iritated because my life is so loud and I the numero uno decible creator.Sometimes I wish time didn't move because I then wouldn't mourn moments behind, missed. I don't live in the moment because my intuition permits only anxiousness about the future. Carpe diem, I wish, yet days can't be seized, as if taken and frozen still. Life is only life in movement. So I am forced to learn stillness in movement, centering myself yet, water flows, cars pass, people walk.
"Nobody told me the road would be easy," aint it so. I wish someone would have lied to me, I see the the decieved everyday bitch at incorrect starbucks orders daily. I want to be one of those people, who truly believe that all in life is controlled by them and nothing left to chance or other people.
    As I yawn, I guess life is truly important because its always moving and we get to move along with it. We don't control much of anything in life because ultimately days aren't promised. I look excitingly towards the day when life doesn't feel like death, but like moments moving for me, with me, in me.

Jibberish

I'm not known for coherence, so I will just do what I'm good at. Babbling. I am not at all sure about the point of having a blog that I post on once every blue moon, but yet I'm grateful that I get to shoot my voice out into cyberspace even if I am the only one to see it. As I think about the next phases of my life, I am constantly irritated by the seemingly always transitional nature of life. Doesn't life ever stay STILL! I feel even now in the midst of returning from a 6 week long urban project, ( which I feel I should be used to since it was the 3rd time. NO SUCH LUCK) My life feels as if it's moving without me, Its almost as if I'm walking backwards on one of those movable floor things they have at airports, but I'm moving backwards but not fast enough to reach my starting place, but not slow enough to reach my destination, Its like limbo. Have you ever been in a crowded room everyone is screaming, conversing, faded, yet you're in the middle of the room standing seemingly unnoticed and watching life in a blur happen as you fade into your red cup. Yes, No, Ha well that's what  life at moment feels like. I'm not quite motivated to revisit the past 6 weeks, I go to Starbucks and start a journal entry about my experience and how awesomely moving, draining and exhausting it was, but the mere thought of writing about exhaustion exhausts me, so I don' t end up writing very much and put it off till the next time. But as each time pasts memories begin to fade, I begin to see the experience through the lens of my life here in Bakersfield and I become immediately lost in translation. Fresno becomes Spanish and Bakersfield becomes French, two languages I can on a very limited level understand but yet passionately want to fluently learn. God has now become my very slow translator in both of these places. I have been refusing to speak with my interpreter, mainly because I feel as if the process is going to be to time consuming and emotionally draining. Yet, that is not helpful because I still don't know the language. A friend of mine this summer explained to me what my name meant which was also the meaning of her name, which is Victory. Consequently the name of my blog is "Victory in Arabia" which I like to look at as "Victory in the Desert" I think this is profound. I say this because I have found myself in this past year especially, lost in a desert spiritually, emotionally, psychologically etc. I don't very much mind these deserts. Its in the desert I feel that we really, really begin to understand our needs VS our wants. When one is lost in the desert it becomes a question of what do i need to survive? and not how can I make this journey more comfortable?  I have therefore learned (among many things) this summer some of the things I need to survive  in the desert and to be grateful for them. I have also learned that carrying extra things that seem to add convenience will only become an inconvenience in the heat of the desert, so those things need to be shed, most often with an experience of lamentation. 

                                                          " La Grand Laveuse" Auguste Renoir

I was walking with Jesus today. I asked Jesus, "what do you see among the neighborhood? A place filled with people broken in all ways. People who seemingly live with no dignity, and as some see it; leeches of the system, draining it of its precious resources. What do you see Jesus? Among fathers who leave their sons, husbands who beat their wives, liars, cheats, thieves, prostitutes, gangs. Jesus turns his head and says, " I see me."

L.L.